Race against myself

I am racing against my self trying to figure out why I continue to find myself in a rut.  The only answer that I can come to is that I am my worst critic and that I continue to fight myself.  My ambition will not allow me to rest.  My indiscretions will not allow me to forgive myself.  My failures will not allow me to recognize the success.  I am in a race against me!  In the recesses of my mind I cannot find a place of stillness to admire my accomplishments.  With the amount of close death that I have experienced I find myself trying my damndest to ensure that I reach greatness.  So I put myself under a weight of pressure that at times becomes uneasy to carry.  My greatest fear is failure!  In the words of Trey Songz, "I just wanna be successful!" While I do not seek the aggrandizement that they rap about in their song I still can identify with the overall message.  Kanye West said it another way, "Having money isn't everything not having it is!"  In a society in which the 1% of our society hoard all of the wealth and gain incentives at the same time I find myself chasing a dream that was never real.  So then the race is not against society but it is against myself because in the end it is me that has to recognize that I can overcome the odds.  It is me that will have to deal with myself when I find myself at my final hour or last moment.  It is me that will have to ask myself what legacy have I left my family.  What lessons have I instilled in Haylee that will help her live a better life than I?  What will she say was the greatest lesson she learned from the life that I lived before her? I am running a race and that race is not against others...the race is against myself!

To find or be found

To find or be found?  That is the question!  I was having a phone conversation with my friend Mel and we were talking about relationships. She made a comment that inspired my post today!  She stated that she has been thinking about what makes certain people more desirable and inclined to end up in serious relationships than others.  Her internal dialogue is one that many people have wondered over, wrestled with, lamented over in anguish, and been left scratching their head with limited understanding.  We often think of relationships as something that someone finds like a person out on a scavenger hunt looking for hidden secrets or buried treasure.  The notion that someone can find Mr. or Ms. Right is problematic for me because I tend to think that the things that are "right" find us. Well Rashid doesn't that mean at some point one of the individuals does find the other person?  Not necessarily, because if the two individuals are not seeking a relationship, or a person in particular, but the universe aligns and these two individuals that at one point did not know each other meet then technically they found each other.  It's like when you are at home, in the car, or at the store and you discover something that you did not even go looking for.  At that moment you have a favorable feeling to want that item and you either purchase it or at bare minimum discover that you want it. 
I think the same can apply to relationships if we allow ourselves to let the universe operate as it often does.  While I do believe that we are co-creators with the Almighty I believe there are some things that are outside of human capacity to author or produce.  True authentic love, in my opinion, is not created by human beings.  Thus when asked what love is there are varying definitions.  Our different perspectives lead to the ambiguity of what love is.  We have more clarity on what it is not than we do about what it truly is.  Then there is the discussion about the different types and degrees of love (i.e., love for friends, family, humanity in general, agape, and etc.)  With that being said I don't know if I want the task of "finding me" left up to another person that does not have a firm understanding of what they are looking for!  I wonder if archaeologist go out and began excavating without a clear idea of what they are looking for?  I doubt it but I am sure they discover, or find, things that they never intended to find.  The objects they locate were not created with the intention of being found but the universe aligned in such a way that they were.
So I think the answer to my initial question "To find or be found?" is that it is far better to be found by an unsuspecting person that to be a person seeking to find someone.  Gold and diamonds are not aware that they are a treasure until we place value upon them!  When you find yourself and identify that you are a treasure you determine your own value.  When two people who know their value and worth meet the real magic happens!  So to my friend Mel continue to evolve and know thyself and when the universe aligns you will be found...as will he.

Karma

If Karma is a reality I have not reached nirvana! I am still experiencing the life cycle of samsara because I have not escaped the trappings of everyday suffering at the hands of earthly desires.  The question is which lifetime am I in right now?  My first, second, third, possibly tenth?  Either way I wonder how my previous life or lives where?  The fact that I have not brought an end to the cycle is an indication that I have not achieved enlightenment.  How did Siddhartha Gautama discipline himself to denounce worldly pleasures in pursuit of joy and peace?  Adopting the life of an ascetic is far fetched in my frame of thinking.  However, I can see how accepting the life of a cleric or monk can be a possible alternative of staying in the cycle of longings and cravings of the earthly realm.  Monasticism seems so restrictive but we constantly live in the prison of wants and desires.  The warden of this personal prison is our conscious and the mental shackles of entitlement. 
Maybe the Buddha was right after all!  True joy and peace are attainable once one finds true enlightenment, I guess.  Maybe the enlightenment is coming to grips with the fact that you will never satisfy the insatiable appetite for success, power, material wealth, and superficial love.  Perhaps the Apostle Paul spoke of this same peace and joy in the Pauline Letters, found in the New Testament of the Bible, where he writes that he has found contentment no matter whatever state he finds himself in.  I am wrestling with the idea that contentment can be a nemesis to ambition.  I wonder is ambition connected to the pursuit of worldly desires?  Does one who seeks nirvana lose any ambition or do they just shift it to the pursuit of enlightenment?  So many questions and no clear answers!  I guess that's why becoming an ascetic becomes a lifetime commitment.
 Deepak Chopra writes in his book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success that there are three things an individual can do about past karma.  "One is to pay your karmic debts...The second thing you can do is transmute or transform your karma to a more desirable experience...The third way to deal with karma is to transcend it." (Chopra, 45-48)  He recommends that an individual become a conscious choice maker by seeking to learn from the moments one is repaying "karmic debts." By doing that one is able to make better choices later and transcend pass the effects of karma and carryout actions that positively affect self and others.  I will try Chopra's advice over becoming an ascetic and pursuing monasticism.  Responsibilities and my current state (mentally, spiritually, economically, physically) will not allow for the latter.  Let's see where applying the law of karma gets me. 

Forever Self-Made

I pledge to forever be self-made!
I pledge to continue to be ambitious.
I pledge to never become complacent and content with mediocrity.
I pledge to never wait on others to determine my future.
I pledge to move on when others choose to sit idle and accept nothingness as their lot in life.
I pledge to run at full speed only slowing down to replenish my stamina and decipher my next step.
I pledge to seek the ancestors for guidance.
I pledge to learn from my mistakes and the shortcomings of others.
I pledge to define my own path and not let the projections of others determine my fate.
I pledge to seek knowledge and truth until I die.
I pledge to on sleep when necessary for sleep is the cousin of death.
I pledge to fight truth and advocate for justice.
I pledge to love people even if it requires me to love them from afar.
I pledge to forever be self-made!!!